The reality of a world where I wasn’t perfect, where I wasn’t praised for everything I did, big or small was… weird. I had always grown up doing what I was told to do – “stay in school”, “get good grades”, “don’t get pregnant”, this was my reality.

I grew up much too soon, even with my parents trying to protect everything that I did. They worried that I would become what my other sisters had, and so I did everything in my power to prove them wrong. I grew up doing what was “right” to prove a point, but in the midst of me doing that I became accustomed to validation, always looking for someone to tell me how great I was. It felt right.

It did occur to me over time that if I kept down this road that it would lead to better opportunity and a better sense of financial freedom, so I had that to look forward to as well, but I liked the idea of being “different from everyone else”. It wasn’t a superiority thing either, it was a self-preservation thing, it was pride. If anyone was going to try to tell me or show me the type of person they think I’m going to be then I’ll just become the opposite.

I guess in a way this kept me stable and allowed me to continue to be the high achiever and the “leader” I wanted to be. After all, with a good reputation came good rewards.

Unfortunately, this laid the foundation for a lot in the way that I think and is now something I am in the process of unlearning.

I tied a string on reward and validation. My dopamine came from how much I was recognized for, because that in itself is the reward. It doesn’t help though that when you go into higher education you are always looked at through a lens for dissection. “How many clubs are you in?”  “How many awards or certificates have you gained in the last year?” “Is your GPA above a 3.5?”, “What leadership roles have you been in?”.

 In other words, “what can you do for us?”

Boom. Blinders off and now this is how I see the world. Once this happens you jump in full force with the expectation that you will be floating from recognition. In the end though you just drown looking above at a rippled and twisted sky wishing you could come up to the surface for air.

That’s how a lot of my time was spent in the last 2 years. I figured the more I did, the more I would have to show for it. I would have a pristine resume full of opportunities and skills that I curated and built from the ground up so that one day I could look my dream employer in the face and confidently tell them why I deserved this job.

There was something so wrong with thinking that way for me. I always wanted to be the humble type, never asserting myself into a position until I knew for sure it was mine. Not sure if this was pure superstition or something else, but this time around I was thinking differently from that. “No one else is putting in the amount of work I am” I would tell myself this over and over again, fueling my addiction to have my name on everything, to know as many people as possible. If I didn’t make a name for myself here, if I didn’t make a memorable impression like those before me, then what good am I – so much time wasted.

I have done so much but I am willing to do more. I told myself whatever it takes. Even if the cost is myself…